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resilience

Sometimes when my husband isn’t home at the expected time I assume he’s dead on the side of the highway being eaten by wolves.

So far, this hasn’t happened (but that doesn’t mean it won’t).

Hi, my name is Nicole and I am a Catastrophist.

Catastrophisizing is but one of many cognitive distortions we all fall prey to from time to time, sometimes on a daily basis.

Psychologytoday.com defines catastrophizing perfectly into two parts so I’m quoting them:

Part 1: Predicting a negative outcome.

Part 2: Jumping to the conclusion that if the negative outcome did in fact happen, it would be a catastrophe.

It’s interesting that anyone thinks like this because it so obviously doesn’t serve us, either in leadership or in our personal lives. Yet we do, because we want so badly for the good to happen, that we put equal amount of energy into fearing the worst might happen too.

Catastrophizing is – excuse the redundancy – catastrophic for leaders. As a leader you need to be a beacon of resilience. And unfortunately…

Excessive Worrying Reduces Resilience

One of the most important traits for a leader is resilience. Inherent in leading, building teams and building a business are setbacks. Actually “setbacks” has a negative connotation to it; really what we should call them are “events that happen that move us towards the events we’d rather happen.”

It’s part of the game. It’s actually part of life in general and resilience is crucial for your personal life too, but when it comes to leadership, resilience or the lack thereof can make or break you.

You therefore want to build an arsenal of tools that support the tendency of resilience. You want sleep, exercise, a good diet, recuperation time, and a growth mindset to focus on challenges as opportunities.

The irony about anticipating stress is that it creates stress, so you immediately bring into your life the very thing you’re trying to avoid when you worry that it will come into your life.

Assumptions and expectations that cause anxiety arise from our past experiences, what we witness from other people’s experiences, and what we see in society from film/TV/books/magazines/etc.

You might have been fired in a past job and assume you will be fired in your new job. You might have seen someone else get fired and assume you will also be fired. You might have seen someone in a movie get fired for something similar to what’s transpiring in your own life and you assume you will be fired too.

These are all fictions and fiction never fully reflects reality.

Furthermore, the future is a landscape that doesn’t exist. Worrying about the future is the same thing as worrying about anything that doesn’t exist. Would you worry that you’re never going to get to visit the country of Alparnia? Probably not, because it’s a country that doesn’t exist.

Keep your mind focused on what exists, which is the moment you are living. It is the only timeline you can control. This will help build a resilient attitude, which will in turn:

  • grow your self-confidence
  • give you a flair for adaptation and flexibility
  • cultivate the belief that you can influence life events

The Benefits of Anticipatory Anxiety

  • Makes you feel terrible
  • Creates the reality you fear most
  • Raises your blood pressure, stress level, and can lead to disease
  • Stresses out everyone around you
  • Makes you look incompetent, non-resilient, and fearful
  • Emotional contagion will spur others to leave you

Obviously none of these are benefits, but I wanted to label them as such to shine a light on our flawed thinking.

There’s an illusion of strength with your anxiety, that it is giving you control over the eventual outcome. Somewhere in the back of your mind you think “If I worry over it I can effect the outcome I want by thinking of everything I need to do to make sure what I don’t want doesn’t happen.” This is neurotic behavior that only attracts what you don’t want, because you’re only focusing on what you don’t want.

What you do want is nowhere in the equation.

Would you go about making a cake by focusing on all the ingredients that you wouldn’t want to be in it? You’d never make a birthday cake with broccoli, cumin, beef, sesame oil, and a microphone. At least not for someone you love.

Worrying about what you don’t want to happen is putting all of the aforementioned ingredients into a bowl, stirring them together, and putting it in the oven, all the while saying, “I hope I don’t make this cake.” And the only thing you’re doing is making it.

Why some of us are prone to anticipatory anxiety and excessive worry comes down to our core beliefs, which I wrote about here.

How to Deal

1. Take a moment to stop the train. You may have to forcibly take a moment to stop doing what you’re doing and just pause. Sit, breathe, close your eyes, and project what you want coming true rather than what you don’t want.

2. Find Something Immediately that Makes You Happy. It can be a video, a picture, a memory, it
doesn’t matter, just go there mentally, visually. You need to replace the anxiety with different thoughts. For me, it’s animals.

3. Full Steam Ahead. The best method is to proceed as though catastrophizing is something you’ve never even heard about. Make small choices towards your goals; keep putting one foot in front of the other towards the end game. This helps focus on the here and now while simultaneously keeping the anxiety at bay. What you don’t want is to sit in a chair ruminating without taking any action and/or taking preventative action towards a reality that doesn’t exist.

4. Make the Choice. The easiest and hardest part of moving past your anticipatory anxiety is making the choice to move past it. You have to want to move past it; you have to consciously choose happiness over suffering; resilience over stagnation; growth over regression; peace of mind over anxiety. It’s a choice, and the good news is you always have that choice available to you. Make little choices rather than huge sweeping ones. So, agree with yourself to make the choice not to have anticipatory anxiety. It’s not easy, and it’s not an immediate cure, but it’s a start.

Let go of the delusion that your worry is controlling the external world and creating desirable circumstances. Worry is not control.

The solutions, as the saying goes, “are in your head.” You may not permanently solve your catastrophizing, but you can learn to deal with it more effectively.

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We all talk to ourselves when we’re alone. When we’re walking down the street, when we’re sitting in front of the computer, when we’re waiting for our car to come out of the car wash.

And when we talk to ourselves there’s a narrator with a particular bent. Sometimes our narrator is inspiring, but sometimes our narrator confirms our deepest fears for us. Of course it’s always us narrating our own story.

You’d think we’d always choose an inspiring narrator, yet so many of us – myself included – fall prey at times to a terrible, uninspiring narrator. Where does this narrator come from? He/she is born out of our core beliefs.

Our core beliefs are all the ingrained positive and negative thoughts that influence how we think and feel about ourselves, and the world around us. Unless discovered and diminished, core beliefs tend to solidify and resist change.

Here is a list of some common negative core beliefs:

  • I always get the short end of the stick
  • I must be perfect at all times
  • I can never change
  • I must only look out for myself because no one else will
  • I am not a people person
  • I am never listened to or respected
  • I must strictly adhere to my plans

To compound matters further, our core beliefs start to hang out with our cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are beliefs our minds tell us to reinforce something that is untrue, and they typically reinforce something negative.

So you might start with the core belief, “This always happens to me” and end up with the cognitive distortion, “This will happen to me forever.” (Overgeneralizing)

Another example would be starting with the core belief, “I am never listened to or respected” which is then cemented in the brain with the cognitive distortion, “I must be boring and insignificant.” (Emotional Reasoning)

Do this enough and you will build a world around you that reflects your inner negativity, which will add to your stress, which will reinforce your negative self-talk, and so on and so forth. It’s a self-inflicted Murphy’s Law. The loop has to stop somewhere.

[There are approximately 15 cognitive distortions that psychologists have sorted out over the years that you can find here.]

How Negative Core Beliefs Affect a Leader’s Reaction to Stress

These negative beliefs and self-talk undermine a leader’s ability to handle stress effectively.

If you take as an example the core belief of “I must be perfect at all times” it’s easy to see how this will create anticipatory anxiety: you will not be perfect at some point in the future.

That anticipatory anxiety becomes a daily stress – either in the forefront or as a constant background buzz. The reaction to that daily stress is to mount even more anxiety and high-wire behavior to avoid the fear from coming to fruition.

Then, should we find ourselves imperfect at some point (which we of course will) we do not have the required cognitive energy to handle the stress as the anticipatory anxiety has already burned it up.

As another example, a leader with negative core beliefs might react to the news that sales are down by thinking, “This always happens to me.” Or in anticipation, “this is going to happen to me.”

Again, this response does not have the required resilience to think about how to change course. It has already deemed the current reality as permanent and unfixable.

We all write scripts for ourselves for how we will act or not act in certain situations. Rather than write yourself as the character that gets killed in the first act, write yourself as the hero who thinks outside of the box, who keeps the negative self-talk at bay.

How Negative Core Beliefs Affect a Leader’s Ability to Lead

When we bombard ourselves with negative self-talk, our anxiety mounts. As our anxiety mounts our stress builds, and it becomes contagious for all around us.

You might have an MBA from Wharton and a law degree from Harvard, but if you are a stress case your peers and colleagues will not notice your credentials; they’ll only notice your stressed out behavior.

Neuroscience backs up the notion that people find it hard to work for leaders who do not handle stress effectively. Everything that goes on in our environment affects the brain’s limbic system (emotional center). So it goes to reason that a stressed out leader will contaminate the emotional wellbeing of those around him/her. Frantic people make other people frantic.

Effective stress management makes you and everyone around you more efficient and productive.

How to Manage Our Negative Core Beliefs

Become Cognizant. Listen to your inner voice. How is it talking to you? Would you tolerate it if a friend talked to you in the same way? Pay close attention to your exact words and write them down. You’ll begin to see how the voice in your head contributes to stress.

Challenge the negative thought. Ask yourself these questions:

  • What is my negative thought?
  • What evidence proves this thought true?
  • What evidence proves this thought false?
  • What unhealthy feelings and behaviors does this thought cause?
  • What will eventually happen if I continue to think this way?
  • What advice would I give a friend who feels this way?
  • What conditions should I accept right now? What won’t change?
  • What can I do to make my thinking more positive?
  • What words will express my new healthy thought?

How to Ultimately Beat the Negative Self-Talk

We don’t have to become Pollyannas to shift our self-talk. Simply by maintaining a healthy dose of realism we can improve our psychological health and ultimately our leadership skills. It is a learned optimism.

1. Get a coach or therapist. If your brain is looping with negative self-talk I highly recommend a coach or therapist to help break the spell. It is a sign of strength to admit you need help and allow an outside perspective.

2. Commit to Your Life. Pardon the new age analogy, but if you were a plant would you be flourishing and robust or would you be withered and half-dead? Get yourself in shape, physically, socially, and professionally. Water the plant! The more you are fulfilling what you see as your innate self the less time you’ll have to listen to the negative self-talk, but also…the less it will actually be talking to you in the first place.

3. Perceive Control Over Situations. You can choose how you react to a stressor and thus exert some degree of control over it. This takes practice, but you have to start. Don’t fret if you aren’t a master at perceiving control over situations at the beginning. You need to create new neural pathways in your brain, which requires repeated tries.

4. View Stressful Events as Problems or Opportunities. Those who cope successfully with stress tend to look at the silver linings as well as the clouds. Plus, once the event happens you have to react to it in some way. Might as well do it in the way where you and those you lead stand to benefit.

5. Give yourself some space. If you find that you are consumed with negative self-talk and cognitive distortions you may need to clear your head with a vacation or some time off. I recognize this may not be possible given your circumstances but see if you can carve out some personal time to re-boot your brain.

The bottom line is how do you want to feel about your life on a daily basis? While it may seem like you do not have control over your thoughts, actually the opposite is true: you do. And in each moment when you hear negativity in your head you have the opportunity to halt it and switch to something that feels good.

There’s no question life throws “unfair” curveballs our way. I’m not asking you to like them, but I am suggesting that once the curveball is acknowledged you don’t dwell on how bad it makes you feel.

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While you would never hand over your car keys to a drunk driver to take you home, we can all point to times when we’ve handed over the keys to our self-worth to people, places and things.

Maybe a competitor’s business is doing better than yours; maybe a colleague rose up the ranks faster than you; maybe you didn’t land a client or promotion. When these alleged setbacks happen you may feel below par, that you don’t have what it takes to accomplish your goals.

Measuring your self-worth based on the success of others and your own “failures” will ensure that you always feel insecure.

It’s vital to remember that before a person becomes successful there is a period when they are not successful.

In fact, couldn’t we say that about most things?

Before a finish line is a starting line.

Before rain is thunder.

Before a rainbow there’s rain.

Before we walk we crawl.

Do you need more of these? I think you get the point (before there’s a tree there’s a seed – sorry, I couldn’t resist!).

When we disregard the truth of progress we experience professional cognitive dissonance: the projected vision of our success in our minds doesn’t match our actual success. That’s when rationalizations and justifications for why we aren’t where we want to be creep in. These lies we tell ourselves – rationalizations for why we didn’t succeed or falsehoods for why we failed – impair our ability to see our path clearly and do the work we need to do.

Here’s how you can control your perceptions of “failure” and begin disassociating your self-worth with these moving targets:

1. Practice Resilience. Practice getting back up when you fall, professionally or personally. Think back to when you learned to ride a bike. You fell, a lot. Then you got back up and tried again, armed with more skill. Somewhere along the way we forgot this lesson.

There will be many failures on the road to success. Measuring your self-worth against each of these failures will impede your progress. Make the commitment to keep getting up.

2. Counteract professional cognitive dissonance. Accept that the “failures” you experience are part of the process of attaining your goals, not an obstacle to them. If you don’t accept your reality you’re going to make decisions based in delusion, which will create detours for your path to success.

You may start to justify, rationalize, and place blame on external factors. You know, “that client is stupid for not choosing us” versus “let me look at the reasons why we lost that bid.” The minute your brain starts going there, stop! It will only cloud your ability to see where you are, where you need to go, and the necessary steps to take you there.

3. Check Your Assumptions. If you feel down because you are not where you thought you’d be at this point in your career, remember that you don’t know what the road to that destination looks like. There’s no reason to assume you will never make a mistake or fall short; there’s no reason to assume that you are not still on the road to accomplishing your vision.

4. Recognize “being in the game” is half the battle. If you recall the movie “Bull Durham,” the guys in the minor leagues wanted Kevin Kostner – who had fallen to the minors – to tell them what it was like to be in the majors. For Kostner’s character, falling to the minors was a blow to his career and ego, but he was a hero to the guys in the minors who had never been to the majors and probably never would be.

While you were getting down that you didn’t close a deal, there is someone else out there who is jealous that you were even in the running. You’re judging your self-worth on not getting the gig and the companies who were never in the game are judging their self-worth on not even getting to pitch. Where does it end?

Many people have grand ideas and big schemes but never put them into play. Taking action in and of itself is to be commended. Pat yourself on the back for having begun. Take the energy that you’re expending to compare yourself to others (or beating yourself up) and channel it toward analyzing what you can do better next time.

5. Reframe failure as opportunity. Our brains are designed to minimize pain and maximize pleasure. In psychology, this is called the “Pleasure Principle.”

Failure is pain, but opportunity is pleasure. Therefore, frame each failure as an opportunity to understand how to get closer to your goals, rather than signposts telling you that you will never succeed.

Those are the opportunities life is giving you to improve. If you don’t land a particular client, figure out why so you don’t do it again. That’s the opportunity.

6. Talk with someone objective. Look at what you’re saying to yourself. Would you coach someone else like that? There is nothing wrong with getting support and help from others. There is no successful leader or entrepreneur or person that hasn’t called upon the counsel of others. When you seek counsel you will invariably gain a perspective you would not have on your own.

7. Create your own compass. It’s normal to engage in social comparison, but negatively judging yourself based on others’ performance is when you enter muddy waters. Use social comparison to gather information, not to interfere with your own compass.

It would be like pretending that all of the cars on the highway with you are racing to the same destination as you. If you felt that way, you’d always feel like a failure because there would always be cars in front of you and cars gaining on you. We are all going to different destinations. Each of our journeys is unique to ourselves.

No one wakes up one day with a fully formed, successful business or skill out of nowhere. Professional success – and happiness – both require practice and commitment. Just as stocks go up and down, so will your path to success. If your stock is down one day it doesn’t mean it won’t go up again. Don’t sell your shares in your own identity to something external. Keep 100% control of the business that is you.

When you hold the keys to your self-worth, it doesn’t matter what happens in the external world, you’re still in control. How you react to events is perhaps the only thing you can control in life.

Don’t give that away.

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If you lost your job and had a family to support you would probably start looking for a new job. Even if you didn’t land the job of your dreams you would take something in the interest of bringing money in ASAP.

That is an extreme example where most people would exercise resilience because it’s do or die.

In the smaller day-to-day life moments, resilience doesn’t always kick in as a reflex. If don’t get the job we want, or our relationship ends, or a stranger treats us rudely it can ruin our day.

The good news is resilience is not a gene. It’s not an “either you have it or you don’t” scenario. One person may have a natural proclivity toward resilience but it ultimately comes down to choice, and choices are voluntary, though they may not always feel like it in the heat of the moment.

So what do we do?

  1. Stop cognitive distortions in their tracks. These are beliefs we convince ourselves are true that reinforce negative thinking. Challenge the distortion to reframe your thinking into a resilient mode. Let’s take a flight delay as an exercise in challenging one type of cognitive distortion (overgeneralizing):

What is my problematic belief?

Bad stuff always happens to me.

What evidence supports my belief?

The flight delay is an inconvenience.

What is a better explanation for what happened?

It’s not just happening to me, it’s happening to everyone.

What are the consequences of this belief?

Anger and stress have sent me into a tailspin.

What would happen if I changed my belief right now?

I could enjoy a nice dinner and catch up on work and calls at the airport.

What are my new core belief?

S—t happens! I can manage inconvenience better.

  1. Reframe setbacks as opportunities for growth.

Non-resilient: I didn’t get the job. I’ll never amount to anything.

Resilient: I didn’t get the job. Maybe it’s not the right place for me. Let me pull my resources together and see what other opportunities are out there for me.

Resilient people recognize the futility – consciously or unconsciously – of fretting over something that can’t be changed. They also look for lessons that might be learned from the setback. Did it happen because of something I did? If so, what might I do differently next time? Did the setback force me to change course? If so, is there a benefit to the new course?

  1. View setbacks as impermanent.

Non-resilient: We lost a valuable employee, so the company is going to hell.

Resilient: We lost a valuable employee, but we can find someone just as valuable who may offer a new set of skills that we didn’t even realize we needed.

Once you realize that setbacks are temporary there’s no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you lose one beloved employee or customer, it’s sad and it’s a setback (I’ve experienced it myself!) but it’s not the end of your success; conversely, nor is it the last time it will ever happen to you. Acknowledge the setback and move on. Stay flexible; change is a part of life.

  1. Manage your strong feelings and impulses.

Non-resilient: I am going to take my anger out on someone.

Resilient: I am angry but I need to move on and stay focused.

Resilient people experience anger; it just doesn’t consume them. We all have this ability, if we so choose. You have to want to move on though. It can feel good to nurture the self-pity, the anger, and the blame. You can go down that road but that road never ends. Acknowledge the feelings and try to move on. In fact, it turns out when you acknowledge feelings it lessens their intensity.

Dr. Matthew D. Lieberman, a research psychologist at UCLA, found that naming an emotion helps to reduce its impact. His lab calls it Affect Labeling. When we name an emotion, activity in the part of the brain that is responsible for vigilance and discrimination (right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex) increases while activity in the part of the brain that processes emotion (amygdala) decreases. Essentially, naming the emotion gives you power over the emotion while indulging the emotion gives it power over you.

  1. Focus on events you can control.

Non-resilient: This traffic is ruining my life.

Resilient: Since I’m stuck in traffic I will sketch out ideas for my next project.

Some aspects of life are out of your control. Accepting this doesn’t make you weak; it makes you smart. You can control what you focus on and how long you allow yourself to suffer. When you focus on the external world – particularly when blame enters the picture – you run into trouble. Start with yourself. Focus on your own reactions and your own ability to influence events.

  1. Don’t see yourself as a victim.

Non-resilient: Bad stuff always happens to me.

Resilient: It’s not just happening to me, it’s happening to everyone.

“Why me?” is another way of saying “This should have happened to you.” Being human means positive and negative things will happen to you. If you experience a series of consecutive setbacks, the resilient thing to do would be to look at your own actions and behaviors. Might there be something you’re doing that is bringing on the misfortune? Even if not, know it’s temporary and stay on course to the best of your ability. This is most difficult in times of loss, so I don’t say it lightly but you don’t have to be miserable forever.

  1. Commit to all aspects of your life.

Non-resilient: Once I have the job I want I will focus on my family and friends.

Resilient: The success of one area of my life depends on the success on all areas of my life.

The success of each part of our lives depends on the success of all the other parts. If our family life is in turmoil it will affect our work life and vice versa. If we do not exercise it will affect our stamina – as well as our mindset. We can set smart, achievable goals for all aspects of our lives so that all parts are working with – and for – each other.

For instance, we can make a commitment to exercise throughout the week; we can ensure that we make time for our family and friends; we can make a little progress each day toward one of our goals. If you experience a setback toward your goals, set a new path toward that goal. The most important part is the commitment.

  1. Have a positive outlook of the future.

Non-resilient: If our marketing budget declines second quarter, we’ll go out of business.

Resilient: What can I do to make sure our marketing budget doesn’t decline second quarter and if it does what can I do to ensure we don’t go out of business?

Cultivate a growth mindset, which ultimately involves the desire to be open to learning and change. Things will start to feel like they’re going your way when you believe that you can effect change for yourself. Remember: you want to be happy, so cultivate a perspective that supports your desire.

***

If you grew up in an abusive environment the challenges will be greater and professional help may be needed. The American Psychological Association states:

Many studies show that the primary factor in resilience is having caring and supportive relationships within and outside the family. Relationships that create love and trust, provide role models and offer encouragement and reassurance help bolster a person’s resilience.

We have a lifetime of habitual behavioral patterns that we’re really good at. However old you are, that’s how much practice you have with your current mode of living. That’s the bad news. The good news is look how good you are at it! You can be just as good at resilient thinking with the same amount of practice. It’s a lifetime goal and, believe me, I’m on the path with you.

I leave you with this quote:

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

–Carl Jung

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