A couple of weeks ago I went on a California vacation. I was excited to take a well-needed break from work and drive down the Pacific Coast Highway for a little wine tasting in Sonoma.

As I always do prior to a vacation, I put my out-of-office notification on. Then I boarded the plane and settled into my much anticipated, guilty-pleasure, marathon catch-up session of Scandal.

Then my phone rang. It was my doctor’s office.“I’m on vacation!” I shouted in my head and happily sent the call to voicemail. They’ll leave a message, I figured. Back to Scandal with my phone in airplane mode. Sayonara.

Except…

My doctor’s office didn’t leave a message. They decided to email me instead.

And then my out-of-office email responded to their email. And then their server responded to my out-of-office email with their automated “this email cannot receive replies” email. And then my out-of-office email responded to their “this email cannot receive replies” email, and then their “this email cannot receive replies” email responded to my out-of-office email.

These two emails soon became old friends, ping-ponging back and forth for the five hour flight. When I arrived in California I had over 2000 undeliverable emails in my Gmail Inbox.

“Oh my god!” I said out loud when we landed — 2,000 undeliverable emails, and they kept pouring in. But, with every ounce of my vacation-cool, I ignored it. I got back in the present moment thinking I would just batch delete them later.

Except….

The thousands of emails piling up in my inbox resembled a spam account, which triggered Gmail’s algorithms, and they (Gmail? Code? Bots? The Illuminati???) disabled my account. If you emailed the account you received a message that it wasn’t a real email account, and this was both my personal and professional account.

I run two businesses via this account, and any email account I’ve had over the years forwards to this account. I know, I know…this is a terrible practice, but when easy works, I like easy.

Panic is an understatement for what I started to experience.

Contracts. Contacts. Paper trails. Years of correspondence. History. Files. Folders. Memories. My life!

Gone.

How to remain intact when the shit hits the fan. 

These are the moments in life we hope never happen, but they always do. It doesn’t matter if you’re on vacation, or watching your kid’s soccer game, or having the worst week of your life. It’s not a question of if but when. And the choice in these moments is always the same — how will you handle it?

Yes, I thought about cancelling the vacation and flying back home. I thought about holing up in my hotel room until this mess was figured out. But this vacation was important to my husband and I. I needed to remain intact and present.

So, here’s what I did…

I paused and assessed what I could and could not control. This is called an internal locus of control: the belief that you can influence events and their outcomes; as opposed to an external locus of control, which is the belief that the external world controls you and is therefore to blame for whatever happens to you.

I took the necessary steps to reinstate my Gmail account. I filled out the reinstatement request form Gmail offers if you feel your account was wrongly disabled — a form that feels akin to writing the request on a piece of paper, putting it into a glass bottle and throwing it into the ocean.

I took to the Gmail forum message boards, searching for anyone who could help. I contacted friends and associates who might have insider access to the Google kingdom.

Whether Gmail would heed my calls and reinstate my account was out of my control.

So my next step was to look at cool art in Santa Cruz.

Of course, finding your internal locus of control is easier said than done, but there are a few things you can do to make it easier.

1. Give yourself space to freak out.

When going through stressful experiences I recommend a solid hour per day of what is known in the psychology world as a controlled freakout.

Ok, I made that up, but it should be a thing.

Each morning for the week we were on vacation, my husband would awake at about 5:30AM to the cool California morning breeze, the feel of crisp hotel sheets, and the sound of frenzied typing as I drummed up support on Gmail forums.

Then we’d talk about it. Talking helped me figure out my action steps, both physically and mentally. Without talking and processing, it all stays in your head and continues to grow. When you talk about it you release the anxiety.

Then I would move on. I was still alive, the earth was spinning, I was on vacation.

Every day I made a choice to find my internal locus of control.

2. Release anxiety by naming your emotions.

This is a process called “Affect Labeling,” it’s been around for awhile, but has only recently been named.

UCLA psychology professor, Matthew Lieberman, did a study that showed that labeling your emotions reduces the effect of the emotion. He coined the process “Affect Labeling.”

It works.

I talked about the situation with my husband, but also explained what I was feeling — sad, scared, anxious, and angry. But my emotions while watching this weird looking fish at the aquarium in Monterey were happy and curious.

By naming what I was feeling, I gained control over those feelings.

3. Recognize that you are in a period of intense learning.

I talk and write a lot about resilience and how it’s a major component for successful leadership, but I’m not Tony Robbins. I’m not always as resilient as I should be.

This was my opportunity to walk the walk. And a funny thing happens when you make a conscious choice to shift how you think about a situation: life becomes less scary.

In the moment, it often doesn’t feel like you have control over your emotions. But like everything in life, it’s a choice. Instead of living in panic, I chose to view the situation objectively, as one that would help me hone skills that are incredibly valuable.

Because the truth is, we should be activating our internal locus of control on a daily basis. It starts with recognizing that ultimate happiness doesn’t come from perfect lives or perfect vacations, happiness comes when we choose to take control over how we react to our emotions.

The shit will always hit the fan. How you respond is up to you.

Waiting, blaming, procrastinating, wondering, and self-pity will always make time for you. Inaction and external focus can bolster anxiety. Positive action, however, quiets the critical and anxious mind. When you take ownership and action, even if the end game is a losing one, you will know you did what you could do; you’ll sleep easier because you acted, you focused on what was in your control.

There’s a Buddhist saying that goes something like, “If you can do something about a situation then why get angry about it, and if you can’t do something about a situation then why get angry about it.” That’s some ancient leadership development for you.

Oh, and one bonus piece of advice — prevention is key. If you’re going to build your whole life and business on a single account, use one that has a customer service department, like G-Suite or Office 365.

And if you notice that your out-of-office notification starts going crazy, turn it off immediately!

And finally, if your doctor calls, answer the phone.


I would love to hear about your own coping mechanisms and times when they had to kick into gear!

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When my husband was a child, he couldn’t understand why his older brother would voluntarily go to Hebrew School. Worried he would face the same fate, he asked his mother if he would have to go at some point too.

“When you want to know what it means to be Jewish, then I’ll send you to Hebrew School,” his mother told him. Great, my husband thought, all I have to do is never utter those words and I’m home free.

Cut to:

His brother’s bar mitzvah: a huge, lavish party at an expensive hotel, with dancing, food, drinks, laughter, friends, family, and most importantly…TONS OF PRESENTS and MONEY.

The next day, my husband, eight years old at the time, said to his mother, “I want to know what it means to be Jewish.” And off he went to Hebrew School for five years, at the end of which he got his party, his presents, and some cash.

Cut to the present: He has not stepped foot inside a temple since.

I offer this parable to illustrate the effect of extrinsic motivation in the workplace, that being that the offer of rewards – bonuses, raises – do not create employee engagement, retention, or loyalty. With our eye on the prize, we will work towards the reward dangling in front of us until we get it – we will do the bare minimum to get it – and then we will move on to greener pastures.

This is in opposition to intrinsic motivation, which is inspiring someone from within, when an employee wants to do a good job out of a personal and professional sense of integrity. They want to do a good job for the company and for themselves because they find meaning in their work and that meaning gives them a sense of purpose in life.

It is up to the individual to come to work desiring meaning in their work, but it is also up to the leader to inspire from within.

When an Employee Goes Through the Motions

Neuroscientist Patrick Haggard, at University College London, studied the effects of intentional action vs action that is performed because of directives.

What he discovered is that intentional action creates a warped sense of time. If, for example, you have a button that makes a sound and you intentionally press that button to make the sound you will think the sound comes much quicker than it actually does (a phenomenon called “intentional binding”). This warped sense of time is absent from those who press the button because they’re told to; they have a clear sense of the time interval between the button being pressed and the sound created.

This warped time factor can be neurally recorded and this “neural signature,” as Gopnik put it, is how neuroscientists determine whether an individual feels a sense of agency or not with their decisions.

In their studies, whenever a subject was told to do something the intentional binding neural signature was absent. When a subject acted out of their own free will the intentional binding neural signature was present.

To be clear, If we feel a sense of agency, the neural signature of not being aware of time intervals is present; if we don’t feel a sense of agency the neural signature is absent and we clearly remember the time intervals between action and the result of that action.

The end result is that when the neural signature is absent the subject doesn’t feel as though the decision to, say, press the button was their own. It was an order given to them. And as such they don’t feel like it was they who did it.

How does this affect meaning in the workplace?

The more agency you give your employees the more they will feel that they themselves are doing the work, they are creating and assigning the value to their work, and this motivates them from within because they have a sense of free will.

If their job solely consists of taking orders and doing what they are told they will feel a lack of agency, and this lack of agency will create a gap between themselves and the work being done. They will not feel invested, like their own mind was being used, like they are making their own decisions and creating meaningful work on their own.

They will grow bored, feeling untapped. They will work to not be punished. They will work for the paycheck, and the paycheck only goes so far. You will create employees who feel no sense of loyalty and will not experience any guilt over leaving you high and dry should something better come along.

Inspire from within!

You want to create an aligned, harmonious culture where the people are engaged and feel a sense of loyalty to the work.

Doing so requires replacing our habitual, unconscious day-to-day behavior with a conscious relational philosophy built on heightened social awareness and skillful relationship management. It’s called having a relational philosophy.

Here are some tips for doing just that:

  1. Find out what other interests / passions your people have. And then utilize them. This creates more meaning for their life and feeds back into the company by creating an aligned, sticky culture. Promote individuality so people feel like their specific existence plays a valued role in the organization/company.
  2. Promote psychological safety. Create a comfortable environment where speaking up is nurtured. Feeling safe to be vulnerable, to take risks, to just be can be powerfully motivating. Google conducted 200+ interviews over the course of 2 years looking at more than 250 attributes of 180+ active Google teams. They found the teams that had achieved psychological safety were the most successful.
  3. Create Supportive, Friendly Competition. Focus on how everyone’s individual efforts help the entire team achieve success. Remain alert for unwarranted complaints about others, angry outbursts, backstabbing, finger pointing, and sabotage. Create friendly competition, not an ultimate “win or lose” challenge among team members.
  4. Celebrate Success. Celebrating small wins motivates. It helps teams stay focused on what they are working for, and it gives everyone a chance to reflect on their successes. Take everyone out for drinks or create some time during the workday to acknowledge the wins.
  5. Show Appreciation. Feeling appreciated is a core emotional concern for all humans. It is part of our make-up. A simple thank you, a handwritten note, a pat on the back, or gratitude for someone’s unique contribution can be more motivating than money. If you want to give a token of appreciation, tailor it to the individual: show that you’ve been listening (e.g., a day at the spa, tickets to someone’s favorite band or restaurant that they keep talking about). This makes the gesture unforgettable.
  6. Pay attention to the environment. If you can, build a beautiful, cozy, fun, creative atmosphere for you and your people to work in. Research has shown that environment can be more important and more motivating than money. Our surroundings can inspire our brains.
  7. Hire for cultural fit. You’re building a clan. It behooves you to hire with personality in mind, not just credentials. We spend most of our lives with our coworkers, it thus makes sense for these people to be our friends, people with whom we’d like to get a drink and spend time with outside of work. For proof of concept, look to Zappos. I recommend reading Tony Hsieh’s Delivering Happiness.
  8. Be flexible. For instance, if a remote work situation produces good results from a valued employee, work out an arrangement that works for all parties. Saying no just because it’s never happened before is spiteful. If you can’t reward with money, maybe there are other things you can do to show appreciation – be creative! Think outside of the box.

The tale of Sisyphus is oft-used as a metaphor for drudgery and drone office work. We can all potentially turn into – or feel like we are being turned into – Sisyphus, taking repetitive orders to complete mindless tasks ad nauseum.

But we don’t have to live that way. Our work lives don’t have to be mindless, hopeless struggles. Leaders should play a major role in that pursuit: create meaning in the workplace to the best of your ability, acknowledge successes, and reward the struggle.

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Posted - 28 March, 2017
A long, long time ago, in a world unknown, there were two browsers that ruled internet surfing: Netscape and Internet Explorer; and search engines such as Alta Vista and Excite. They were the kings of Internet browsing. Then more browsers
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“Bueller? … Bueller? … Bueller?” Remember Ben Stein as the über-dull economics teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? He was the quintessence of uninspiring. His students slept with their eyes open while he answered his own questions addressed to no